Rise Again Stronger

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As I stated in my earlier posts, waking up from the stroke and in the ICU I felt an enormous sense of gratitude, feeling saved and given a second chance in life .

After being moved from the ICU to the general ward, a few things happened, new thoughts entering and racing in my mind.

It’s what I kept telling myself over and over in the face of a near death experience.

1) my story is not over. I’m not done, I’m the luckiest man alive , repeating those lines over and over. Telling yourself those lines was the easy part but was left with the harder questions I was asking myself.,

The harder existential questions came in when reflecting on ones life, the ones you’re left to answer. The harder questions

– If I had died yesterday would i have lived a fulfilled life? You can tell yourself lines over and over, but it’s the harder questions that really stops you and in your tracks and you take stock in

While this was going on, something else raced into my mind, It was a movie from years ago, almost 20 years, called “Into the Wild” and an interview about the movie with the creators. Why it entered my mind at that time, I can not explain..In any case, I accepted the fact that it did and the wonder of why. I thought the stroke may have triggered some memory or signaled me to the movie but wasn’t sure

I vaguely remembered the movie and a Charlie Rose interview from 2007 featuring Sean Penn, the Director/ filmmaker of the movie and Eddie Vedder, the musician behind the sound track. I have enormous respect and admiration for of these two individuals taking their celebrity status to another level and platforms making a positive change and impact in the world. In the interview you can feel their friendship and the respect they have for one another. You can also sense responsibility in telling and protecting the story of Alex through film and song – for Alex’s memory and for his parents and sister who lost a child and brother.

I will refer to Chris McCandless as Alex the main person in the movie. Born Christopher McCandless, Christopher changed his name to Alexander Supertramp reflecting a new identity centered on his spiritual journey across the Western part of the US and into the Alaska great wilderness, leaving Chris’ old life behind. Supertramp reflecting his new nomadic, tramping lifestyle. To me a perfect name

I felt at the time Charlie Rose at his most curious and researched was one of the best interviewers in the industry. I was fixated on this interview for days

In the hospital I did a quick Google search and found the interview and listened to the same interview multiple times. I later read the book by Jon Krakauer and have watched the movie many times. The song “Guaranteed” by Eddie in the incredible soundtrack became my post recovery anthem of sorts about freedom, being stronger and living on your own terms, playing the song over and over in the hospital . A beautiful acoustic song, on so many layers and levels. The soundtrack bridging the story like a companion for Alex on his journey, and “ the inner voice of the character” To me, a masterpiece of a film connecting and bridging story, people emotions, scenery with music..Bravo to Sean Penn, Emile Hirsch and all those involved in the movie

I’ve had my share of wanderlust in my earlier days and have a trace amount of Alex in me, yet his pursuit and journey all very relatable and familiar.

Alex was a rare breed, a combination of deep intellect, athlete, bound to a strict code of living and a beautiful free spirit embracing the great unknown and unmapped.

The lyrics from the song “Guaranteed”

“On bended knee is no way to be free
Lifting up an empty cup, I ask silently
That all my destinations will accept the one that’s me
So I can breathe

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
They think of me and my wandering but I’m never what they thought
Got my indignation but I’m pure in all my thoughts
I’m alive”

Something Eddie shared into the interview I picked up on regarding the audience reaction and response to the movie

What Eddie said went to the core of this post..The audience response to the movie or the “gates of emotion” one might feel watching this movie, the ones who have experienced a rite of passage or a symbolic life changing journey and transition and those who haven’t, the ones on the other side of life who might walk away from the movie feeling a sense of sorrow that they didn’t experience more. go further or challenge themselves more.

In this context, I see sorrow synonymous with regret . Thinking of the people at end of life and the common poignant,, introspective thread among them when asked about their lives …. Did I truly live the life I was supposed to live. Did I realize my full potential, everything I wanted and could be , did I find and live my true real self. Like I said the harder more jagged questions looking inward.. There is qoute by Wayne Dwyer phd I think relates to this sorrow..I see it more as a pray and plea .. “Don’t die with your music still inside of you, unplayed “. Music unplayed, not necessarily in the literal sense, but can take on many forms, shapes, manifestations and outlets, the things important to you ..what you believe in, hope to achieve in life one day and to experience, before it’s too late

More on the movie audience response , I understand a story of young man dying would create a reaction of sorrow. But I think the sorrow was about theirs own lives, looking inward and the same existential question as I was asking laying in bed after the stroke . The audience seeing something in Alex in the way he lived, the way he dreamed with a smile and now reflecting on their own lives. I suppose they relate to Alex in this way, but maybe not to the extent of burning money, ripping up credit cards and identification..But it was a connection to Alex and his journey and in his authentic pursuit..I think this is where the sorrow came from

To me, a life living with regret, I can’t think of anything worse or other than dying with regret. Eddie offered inspiring, encouraging words in the interview about the path to fulfillment “ the edges are not far, they are so close just need to reach out. It is my hope everyone can find the edges and reach out and live it..

I also find the online debate to be silly about Alex, everyone is entitled to thier opinions one group thinking of Alex as a privileged naive kid disrespecting and unprepared for the great north Alaska adventure, that he had a death wish or a hero to be admired. First I don’t think Alex was looking to be a hero or had a death wish and second, I also don’t think outsiders are the arbiters of fulfillment. The person living life decides based on an inner belief . The journey was a need for Alex, to test himself in the way he did , because that is who he was , the type of person and what demanded of himself.. His spiritual journey was not as a failure but he succeeded in the end

As reflective in Alex’s last written goodbye note as he was dying alone in the bus.

Alex’s last written words reflect he did

“I HAVE HAD A HAPPY LIFE AND THANK THE LORD. GOODBYE AND MAY GOD BLESS ALL!“”

Also sharing Alex’s final words while in Alaska “ Happiness in only real when shared”

A picture of our 3 boys together at young ages was brought to the hospital. The boys in soccer gear in our backyard the youngest,, 2 or 3 years old at the time with a proud look on his face wearing oversized goalie gloves . I laughed to myself thinking why was the youngest, the baby the goalie, his older competitive brothers, the strikers not taking it easy on the young one, teaching the hard lessons of being a real goalie, the goalie survived. When I looked at that picture I would tear up and cry uncontrollably. Thinking of them today and the outstanding people they’ve become, as parents we could not be more proud. Thinking of my wife in the same way,, my love for her beyond words . She is the most thoughtful and caring person in the world

When I was a young boy and thinking about my adulthood, I never dreamt up being a astronaut, or the suit and tie business type of guy, I just wanted to find a beautiful person to marry and share a life and be a dad .That was it. That was is the life I was supposed to live

As I peeled back and processed the existential question about a fulfilled life, the answer came before me in the hospital and in how I define and view a fulfilled life

A fulfilled life is … To love and be loved, that was it, I have unquestionably achieved a fulfilled life. I feel stronger and more hopeful knowing Alex’s story inspiring my life forward

For my time remaining, to be curious, to love, to reach for the edges and give back to the world in meaning ways .

“Happiness is only real when shared”.

RIP, A. Supertramp age, 24 1992

To all a cheers : To Rise Again Stronger